Friday, January 13, 2006
the thing about paper and pen
Carelessly pondering over my hesitation about beginning my travel journal, it struck me. Perhaps I am being cautious simply because this journal is a paper and pen adventure.
It's nothing like this blog. Here, like I have dozens of times, I can type and backspace, type and delete, and eventually delete an entire entry without leaving a trace of it ever existing. My writing in this space is transient; it lives as I fancy, and dies at my whim.
But paper and pen is a totally different story. After the tip touches the paper, a mark will forever be there - as a stain or a masterpiece. Sure I can cancel it out with a stroke, I can sweep over it with corrective liquid paper, but in a way, it will forever remain - as a mess or white-washed.
And I suppose that scares me. Partially because I crave perfection in my creations. To begin something this permanent - like getting a tattoo - I feel that I must think and rethink what I am about to put down on paper, before I am actually allowed to do so.
I once had a fleeting thought that I should type out my entries on my computer first. To have the time to mull over my draft; to change a noun here and there; to add an adjective or verb.
Yet, creativity in its purest form may not be semantically perfect, and it may not be poetry in motion. But in any case, the expression of creativity in itself is courage personified.
And I am still hiding in the safety net of the backspace button.
******
posted by the commentator @ 11.00am, Thursday 12 Jan 2006 from Los Angeles, CA
Thursday, January 12, 2006
back from the dead
Even I was surprised. Even though I know the reason why.
It's been more than two months since I've written. My last foray into the corporate world left me beaten, emotionally. Sapped, mentally. So much so I evidently lost any penchant for writing; for even trying.
So I fixed things. Difficult as it was, I did. And while I was scared, I know it's a decision that I will not regret.
I quit. And two weeks later, boarded a plane and flew 14,000km to the City of Angels.
I've been in Los Angeles for about a month and a half now. It is a period of quiet rejuvenation. And I have taken that to mean chillin', loungin' and not doing much of anything. It's been a blast.
But now. Now I feel stronger, healthier and refreshed. Ready to take baby steps toward finding my self and strength. And I know it will be a turbulent journey, but through which I will definitely find what I seek, deep within me.
Shortly after I arrived, we visited the Getty Centre - an art museum and research facility perched on a hill. While browsing the souvenir store, I came across a beautiful journal bound with what is claimed to be Shakespeare's handwriting. I saw, I stopped, I picked it up, and without much deliberation, I placed it back upon the shelf.
The boyfriend asked why I didn't want to buy it; my reply was, I have nothing to fill it with.
A month or so later, I chanced upon the very same journal in Barnes & Noble. I saw, I stopped, I picked it up, and after some deliberation, I placed it back upon the shelf.
I asked myself why I still didn't want to buy it; my reply was, I'm not sure if I have anything to fill it with.
A week or so past. I'm not certain when it was that I started thinking of starting a travel journal. A chronicles of my experiences and thoughts these three months in a strange city, in an unfamiliar country.
So I returned to Barnes & Noble, and this time I went straight for it. I saw, I stopped, I picked it up, and after much deliberation, I headed for the check out counter.
Since then, I've taken care to retain little keepsakes of experiences: a movie ticket stub, the hotel bill from Palm Springs, a map of Las Vegas. While far from a camera whore, I've become more enthusiastic about snapping shots. The little things I can do to immortalise my memories here.
It's been a few weeks since. The Shakespearean journal I bought lays quietly in the Barnes & Noble bag it came in. I glance at it everyday, unsure of my feelings toward it.
Til now I am still a little wary, a little inert, of beginning where I left off. Of starting over.
But I will. And I shall. And it will be a damn good journal.
***
posted by the commentator @ 2.00pm on Wednesday, Jan 11 2006 from Los Angeles, CA
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