Friday, February 25, 2005
more by me
I started something on a whim - a fantasy tale of real life.
And I like it.
It's helping me cope tonight. A night where half my mind is resenting the fact that I have been tasked to take on duties beyond my job scope, and where the other half is zonked out from weeks of hectic days and late nights.
A night where.. nevermind. It suffices to say it was far from a good one.
So I've moved The Tale to another blog.
Yet another blog. By me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
bound by red tape
The Jellyfish has just successfully added another layer of redtape. Now not only are my hands bound, my feet are bound too.
After the incident with the last issue of the magazine, the Jellyfish has turned paranoid. It's written all over his face. Although admittedly, much crap has happened to the Place under his care. But I disgress.
So anyway, in an attempt to micro-manage and cover his ass, the royal mandate is that a mock-up of my magazine is to be passed through him for vetting. I am to rework the production schedule to reflect this in.
Ok lets think about that.
*stroke of inspiration*
Oh, I know! I can stick Jellyfish in right about 1am on the morning of Printing Day. That's conveniently after I've off-ed all the pages and right before our very-inflexible printing slot.
But you see, things were done that way at the Golden Standard. Of course he doesn't realise that with the Golden Standard's publication:
1) It was not 64 pages thick
2) There were no time issues stemming from 3000 levels of redtape to clear
3) It was not editorial-intensive; less time is required to vet through
4) Dedicated staff were on-hand. I'm a freaking one-man circus.
Fine. Whatever. Do as you please. I'll do my part to the best of my abilities.
We'll see how things turn out.
I promise to bite back the "I-told-you-so".
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
i'm done
I'm done cursing and swearing at this place.
I'm done getting all fired up over the ridiculousness of this place.
After a spurt of frustration earlier this morning, I'm at a different place in my life now (however Zen that may sound). I refuse to get angry - it's not worth it.
I'm done with this place.
Monday, February 21, 2005
hanging on to hope
It began a crappy morning. And ended an even crappier evening.
I took off at 6.09pm, the earliest since I took on this designation. It's not that I didn't have a mountain of work to clear, I just felt so disgusted with the place that I just wanted to get the hell outta there.
It started around 12 noon. After a hectic morning of rushing stuff, I took a breather. Then I started assessing what it was I was doing. One thing led to another and I started wondering why I am slogging so hard. I lost my appetite over lunch, much to the amusement of colleagues who found it funny that I seemed to be losing it a mere 3 weeks into this position.
My first reaction to that was indignance. What did they know! I have loads more than what my predecessor had to deal with. And she had 8 years of experience under her belt. Then I started to feel so small for thinking that way. So I kept mum.
I emailed out a strand of hope the moment I got home. Hope in the form of greener pastures. Honestly, I dun expect them to call me. From my research of the firm and their top-dog, they're not partial to freshies. They expect 2 years of experience from their people.
Like my mother always says, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
I am.
Hanging on to hope.
dun ask. please.
Maybe it's the Monday blues. More likely, reality bites.
Am in a godawful mood today thinking about work. I guess it shows in my stoic expressions and monosyllabic replies. And out of concern, I guess, colleagues are asking me what's wrong. Again and again. One by one.
Really. Dun ask.
Please.
I'm feeling unappreciated, like I'm being taken advantage of just because I'm inexperienced. I know for a fact that she left because they didn't want to upgrade her, title- and pay-wise, and at the same time wanted to add on more duties to her portfolio. Which is now mine. And which they are successfully increasing.
It hasn't sat well with me for quite awhile now that I have taken over a senior position, and a heavier load than she had, for my current title and pay. If she felt ripped off, imagine how I feel.
Not too long ago, Jellyfish broke the news to me about the additional work I should have to take on. I returned the favour with a blank look. He tried to mitigate the situation by offering me handphone allowance. What one has got to do with the other, I dunno. But I guess it was a futile attempt at a give-and-take relationship. Like, here do this shite and that shite. Oh, and to make you feel better, here's $30.
No, I mean, seriously. How ridiculous is that?
Actually, I dunno what I want. I would love a bump upwards but deep down inside I know I'm too inexperienced to accept that.
Ok I take that back - I do know what I want.
I want to do what I like without the ridiculous burden of taking on other people's work. Like it's my problem your secretary is near illiterate. I guess that didn't occur to you when you hired her because you were too busy peering down her blouse. And now I have to take on her work because her incompetence is, 1) making you look bad and 2) resulting in you having to do actual work.
I really like what I do. I'll gladly take the bureaucratic shite if only you'd take away the crap you've piled on.
It's like I've finally gotten my hands on a beautiful yummy cake with all the icing I want... and you throw shit on top of it.
What's a girl to do? Slowly clear the shit, all the while having my eye fixated on the beauty that lies beneath? Or toss the whole damn thing away because it ain't worth it and it ain't even edible anymore?
I really dunno.
So please, dun ask.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
the talking headless chicken
I am a headless chicken.
That occurred to me when I checked my web-based email to find a job alert from a PR-intensive executive search firm. Browsing through the opportunities before me, it finally hit me.
I am a headless chicken.
I quote one of the job descriptions, "The PR consulting market is rapidly growing and opportunities are present in the following areas: Information Technology and Financial Services/ Investor Relations". The alarm bell in my head went nuts. I have no "area".
No expertise. No niche market. No industry knowledge. No direction!
And Current Job ain't helping.
In all honesty, I've been aware of this issue for awhile now. Problem is, I can't just wake up one day and decide that I wanna do IT/PR or Financial PR. Wouldn't I have to try it to know? So this is where my (one of many) problem comes in.
Current Job at best gives me consumer PR experience. And that's stretching it. Publications production is interesting and it's valuable, and that's the reason why I'm sitting here.
But if I really wanna go into PR consulting, damn I gotta find my industry. I can leverage (if that's the word) on my B.Comp to get into Technology PR. Or, as intelligently suggested by Him, I could decide to do Financial PR and start reading his CFA books for leisure.
My personal issue is that I'm being idealistic. I wanna be able to make a clear, structured and informed decision as to the industry I'm interested in. But maybe Life doesn't work that way. Maybe I should take a chance, delve into something (if they'll hire me first, of course) and take it from there. Maybe I should have faith in myself that I can handle any industry.
Maybe I should try.
Because if I don't, I'll always be a talking headless chicken.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
i'm taking a moment
I've attempted to blog twice since my last post. But I either had to get back to work (heh) or fell asleep while logging in (sigh).
Those Above have all scampered off for some meeting with The Godfather, king of The Co-Producers, leaving me with a (much-deserved) breather.
I'm going to take a moment.
*sits in a corner and chills*
*looks over shoulder at lonely bouquet sitting quietly on my table*
*smiles to self*
*glances above monitor at sweetheart puppy looking on tenderly as my fingers waltz with the keyboard*
*smiles to self again*
That was a nice moment.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
peter pan in neverland
The classic story of Peter Pan spun an engaging tale of a fantasy island where children ran free and barefooted, where adults and their world of restraints were kept out, and where imagination reigned.
Peter Pan found Neverland. He led Wendy and her brothers into his world, which they initially embraced as their own. And while they revelled in the novelty of his universe, they silently craved the life they left behind.
Everyone needs to find their own way.
The warmest of souls cannot hold your hand and lead you down the path that is your life. The kindest intentions and sweetest words of others will not point you in the right direction.
You have to find your own world; whether you're lucky enough to chance upon a path paved and ready, or if you need to hack your way through bushes and shrubs to find the road less travelled.
I haven't found mine. Just like mayhem, I'm searching for my own Neverland.
A world of my own.
***
To understand oneself is probably the most difficult thing to achieve. Taking mayhem's who-am-I quiz, this is what I get:
1. Age?
Old enough to hold my own, but too young to know if it's worthwhile doing so.
2. Accomplishment in life?
Life is a process. I did not start it and I will not end it. I can change it, rethink it, pause it, but I cannot stop it. So my accomplishment in life is living each day as it is, and ocassionally taking the time to treasure life itself.
3. Job?
A job feeds my body. A career feeds my soul. My soul now cries out in agony of starvation.
4. Friends?
Less is more. The inner circle of trust is a small one, as it rightfully should. I am blessed with friends who have come a long way with me and who are prepared to continue walking with me.
5. Love..?
.. Is a many splendoured thing. Well, not really a thing. You can't grasp it, can't see it, can't hear it. But you know it is all around you when you breathe it, feel it, and know you're living when you smile and cry because of it.
***
Peter Pan found his Neverland.
Slowly but surely, I will uncover mine.
Peter Pan found Neverland. He led Wendy and her brothers into his world, which they initially embraced as their own. And while they revelled in the novelty of his universe, they silently craved the life they left behind.
Everyone needs to find their own way.
The warmest of souls cannot hold your hand and lead you down the path that is your life. The kindest intentions and sweetest words of others will not point you in the right direction.
You have to find your own world; whether you're lucky enough to chance upon a path paved and ready, or if you need to hack your way through bushes and shrubs to find the road less travelled.
I haven't found mine. Just like mayhem, I'm searching for my own Neverland.
A world of my own.
***
To understand oneself is probably the most difficult thing to achieve. Taking mayhem's who-am-I quiz, this is what I get:
1. Age?
Old enough to hold my own, but too young to know if it's worthwhile doing so.
2. Accomplishment in life?
Life is a process. I did not start it and I will not end it. I can change it, rethink it, pause it, but I cannot stop it. So my accomplishment in life is living each day as it is, and ocassionally taking the time to treasure life itself.
3. Job?
A job feeds my body. A career feeds my soul. My soul now cries out in agony of starvation.
4. Friends?
Less is more. The inner circle of trust is a small one, as it rightfully should. I am blessed with friends who have come a long way with me and who are prepared to continue walking with me.
5. Love..?
.. Is a many splendoured thing. Well, not really a thing. You can't grasp it, can't see it, can't hear it. But you know it is all around you when you breathe it, feel it, and know you're living when you smile and cry because of it.
***
Peter Pan found his Neverland.
Slowly but surely, I will uncover mine.
This post was originally written for Finding My Own Neverland, and reproduced here with the blessing of the author (read: me).
Friday, February 11, 2005
the package deal known as Life
Am gradually feeling the apprehension that comes with taking over someone else's nice new winXP computer.
Am gradually understanding the load that comes with taking over someone else's cosy 4 by 4.
Am gradually learning that nothing comes free - good things are bundled with bad things to give you the package deal known as Life.
I'm filling in shoes that seem too big for my feet.
Of the little I know, I know she did a brilliant job for like 4 years. She did it tirelessly and without complaints. She accepted the ridiculous workload and executed it perfectly.
I have alot to live up to.
For starters maybe I should stop blogging and get down to work.
Good idea.
reunited over a pot. twice.
Reunion Dinner is really a routine affair.
Year in and year out, I go through the motions of travelling to my cousin's place, sitting around small-talking with relatives I see once a year, hundling over a huge steamboat, nibbling on tiny morsels of food (steamboat food isn't my thing), making a dramatic effort to participate in the cleaning-up efforts and indulge in one round of mahjong with cousins and/or aunts before finally calling it quits and heading home.
In between, of course, there's much effort in fielding awkward questions like, how much do you earn? Do you have a boyfriend? How much does he earn? *Deadpan*
***
This year there was a slight variant in the routine. A glitch in the system.
My mother decided that my relatives had to visit us on Day One for Dinner. The same people over the same steamboat (literally, she borrowed the pot from my aunt) eating the same type of food.
Agony x 2.
Of course Day One Dinner couldn't fall short of the Reunion standard, so my mother busied herself in the kitchen from morning. In fact, she was so busy preparing Day One Dinner that Day One Lunch involved a pack of instant noodles and my trusty microwave.
So as to differentiate her Day One Dinner from aunt's Reunion one, my mother was opening cans of abalone with a vengeance. There was abalone stock in the steamboat, cooked abalone to munch on while waiting for food to cook and even abalone in our yu sheng!
What the...
Another variant in the CNY routine was the unannounced appearance of my cousin's girlfriend. Said girlfriend has been a mystery to my extended family for about 3 or 4 years now. We've heard rumours of said girlfriend, but never had the honour of meeting her. And she showed up at Day One Dinner.
My mother was elated.
My dad was over the moon with this new found listener. He bombarded her with stories of the days long gone, of little known facts of the recent tsunami tradegy, of anecdotes of family history.
The poor girl just sat there.
I was rather indifferent to her presence. To which I received much grief.
My bad.
Other than the above, Day One Dinner was an exact replica of Reunion Dinner with the exception of location. How fun.
***
Til next year.
Monday, February 07, 2005
whiling my life away
I'm bored. I'm sitting in my new 4 by 4, pretending to be hard at work.
It's not that the festive bug has taken a huge bite outta me. I'm barely psyched about the upcoming CNY. The good thing is 2 days off work. And new clothes. Heh.
I'm just.. mentally tired? lacking in motivation? Both, I believe.
I was pondering over the new supplement I'm supposed to be spearheading. It's my "baby" they say. Yeah, right. I can't even think of a name for my baby. Much less its first editorial. Slacking off this is gonna come back to haunt me next week, I know. But hey, I'm a writer, not a word processor.
Art takes time. Inspiration is elusive.
That's right. I'm not whiling my life away. I'm searching for inspiration.
So bite me.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
writing for the sake of writing
I wanted to write, but didn't know what to write about. So I've decided to write for the sake of writing.
I could have spun something from nothing and make this entry so much more intellectual. But I shan't.
I shall write about writing for the sake of writing.
I have strong work pride. I expect only the best from myself, especially in the form of the written word. I can't say that my work in the office satisfies that need in me. I guess when it comes down to it, it's more important to complete 100 tasks than ace one and neglect the rest. That's productivity, efficiency and effectiveness for you.
But it bugs me and I have been as vocal as I can about work load versus work quality. Not that I'm being heard. Nevermind.
So you would think that I have stringent demands on my leisure writing (or blogging, in this case). And I do. So why am I rambling on about nothing?
Because it makes me feel good.
Not the rambling. The writing.
It is this form of writing that is meant to relax me. That I'm supposed to do for fun. For myself. And not anyone else reading it. I should be comfortable penning (keyboarding?) my thoughts down without having to think reader-style. Which is all I do at work.
After all, writers write what people read. It is my readers' perception that I strive to influence through my work, be it a corporate collateral or marketing material. But here, in blogosphere, I am free from that.
Maybe that's why I'm not publicising my blog. Because I don't want to be conscious of my readers. I don't want to write for them. In this dimension, I write for me.
And that's what I call writing for the sake of writing.
Simply because it makes me happy.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
the dark
I open my eyes and see the Dark
I see it, feel it, taste it
In my empty mind
The Dark is always around
All around
In the quiet of night
And the light of day
Just like the rising of the sun
The dawn of the Dark is sure
Feeding on the certainty of its existence
And when the time is come
To nullify its being
I will be free
I will see Light
if my working life were a movie...
It would be a B-grade Taiwanese melodrama, complete with a second-grade cast.
The director is full of himself and only casts starlets who will sleep with him, or at least flash their breasts for his viewing pleasure.
Instead of an executive producer, we have in place a 16-man team of co-producers. Evidently we do not understand that too many cooks doth spoil the broth.
Rather than relating with our 12,000-strong audience, we go to extremes to alienate, annoy and anger them.
Not exactly blockbuster-material.
But surely a tear-jerker from where I stand.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
high up and down there
There are highs in life. And there are lows.
It's the package deal of life, I guess. I'm sure everyone experiences them - life is a rollercoaster ride?
I can't help but feel, though, that this job in this organisation at this point in time... is, to say the least, rocky.
One moment I'm on a high - thinking of the opportunities my new position will bring me, the amazing load of stuff I'm gonna learn, the subtle hint of possibly upgrading my position. And immediately, I'm thrown off the cliff. I land in the valley of valleys, the lowest of low.
Given that I've been having an uncomfortable amount of apprehension over staying or leaving, I have decided (at an unfortunately unopportune moment, I admit) to weigh the pros and cons of this job. (Unopportune because I just wrapped up a 14-hour day at work. But see what's fuelling this debate?)
Lets see now..
Pros ala What I'll miss if I leave
1. Learning - mainly from managing a magazine, but also in terms of handling Annual Reports and other publications like commemorative books and journals
2. Career progression - now any of my colleagues reading this will gag at this term being grossly inappropriate for the hellhole we now work in. Yet I've had two hints from two members of Management that pointed in the direction of my position being upgraded after my probation period. Not that it'll count for much, especially in comparison with the real world out there, but I think it'll speak well of me getting booted upwards so quickly and inspite of my evident lack of experience.
3. People! God, I'll really miss the people. I don't suppose I'll be able to find, in any other organisation, 10 lunch kakis whom I am absolutely comfortable with and whom share the same frequency. Plus they're all brilliant workers who do their job, individually and as a team. Fabulous.
But before I get too carried away... let's think about the uglier side of this
Cons ala What I sure won't miss if I leave
1. The workload of three superhumans - It's crazy, really, to effectively have one person running the entire department (if it still qualifies as one). Especially when it's a department that is expected to serve the needs of all other departments. I mean, I look like what to you? A creative team huh? Like I can copywrite 4 different collaterals, business-write (and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite) 2 corporate letters, manage the paperwork for 2 committees and plan for the next issue of my magazine... all in one day! Of course I end up putting in 14, 16 hour days, working from home, working over the weekends and working on public holidays. Does not that sound alarm bells to anyone but me?
2. Fundamentally flawed organisation - My sentiment since Day One. Something I haven't been afraid to articulate but something I am well aware is beyond my control. The entire organisational mindset is flawed (and retarded, but I digress). The management style, the levels of clearance, the hierarchy, the wrongfully vested authority... all that affects employee morale and motivation. But I accede that it'll take more than the gripings of a newbie to turn things around. Especially when Those Above are obviously enjoying themselves. There is no appreciation to staff. No bonus, no increment, no freaking word of thanks. And yet they can sit around a boardroom wondering why turnover is so high. Gee, not exactly rocket science, you think?
3. Management - Or rather, mismanagement. Today I learnt some wise words from a not-so-wise dude, but that's beside the point. He told me that the higher one's position, the more value-add one is expected to contribute. But 6 months in this hellhole and I have learnt that one's position is directly proportional to one's ability to tai-chi (or deflect) any work, responsibility or problem. Those who reside in cubicles and fishtanks do not manage us lowly peasants - they deflect work to us. They shift blame to us. This afternoon's incident particularly disturbed me. That when the shit hits the fan, my oh-so-PR boss is more than willing to put someone else's ass on the line even if Those Above are not looking for a target board. She preempts them. How forward-looking.
All that, and I'm still undecided.
Maybe life, and working life indeed, is all about striking a balance between the ups and downs.
Accepting the downs in anticipation of the ups.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
silence
Usually, I can't shut up.
Often, you couldn't make me even if you tried.
Today, I have nothing to say.
I'll let the silence speak for itself.
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